I’m routinely shocked at the way people speak to women online. The fact that we still try to be here is a miracle, and many cis men don’t deserve us.

In response, I often hear women say in a self congratulatory way that they engage only limitedly online, and would never and etc. I mean, that’s one option. But the self effacing route does not need to be for everyone, and there is a shaming inherent in that stance, along the lines of “you aren’t being modest enough.” There is no shame placed on the men who harass so relentlessly. We are always supposed to retreat, adjust, veil.

Nowhere is the ugliness more evident in my part of the online sphere than on the pages of women influencers. I informally picked four women whose accounts I follow. All of them fall into the domesticity capitalism category of influencerdom, so we can eliminate that the usual ire re: women expressing political opinions or using their bodies in an overt way to attract an audience are coming into play (Note: I am not at all against women being political or sexy, or sexily political). Two are from India. One is Persian American. And one is Russian. So we can safely say that they run the gamut. All of them do paid promotions, ergo all occasionally appear to be endorsing brands, whether they appear enthusiastic or not. Two of them narrate their actions (cooking, running the household, attending weddings and whatnot, interacting with husbands and kids), while two merely do stuff with music in the background. And finally, I do not read translated comments that often from Persian and Russian, so I can’t compare with what is being said to the Telugu and Hindi speaking ladies with much credibility.

Phew. Okay. So seriously, it is very horrifying to see how people will attack out of nowhere. Comments like “Clean up your house before you take pics.” “Your fish tank is dirty.” “Why are you smiling so much about a simple recipe that anyone could make?” “Is that all you do? Go get a real job. Or pay attention to your kids.” “Can’t believe you actually got paid to promote those clothes. You look awful.” “You should dress nicer for your videos.” “Looks like you were born just to eat.” “Why do you eat so much meat?” And those are just the highlights.

I want to focus on the Telugu lady. Her name is Anjitha, and she fascinates me. Her Instagram account is called Anjithas World. No links from me, I cannot stand the way they take over the page, and wordpress is really difficult to use. Anyway, Anjitha. She runs an egg shop, she loves to eat meat, and yes, she has a fish tank.

What intrigues me about her is that she just keeps eating heartily on camera. People do hate seeing a woman eat for enjoyment. And when they screech at her for eating meat on Hindu festivals, she just does it again the next time, and it’ll be takeout instead of home cooked. When they lecture about her clutter or fish tank, she eats in front of the fish tank. With no acknowledgment of the haters. If they say her promotional wear is ugly, the next time she will be on camera with an unironed outfit.

THIS FASCINATES ME. It is evident that she is no slouch, or she would not have so much parallel play going on as far as multiple income streams, interests, and ability to draw an audience to all of it. What clearly offends people is that she makes no statement about the way they expect her as a woman to show up publicly. If she ever speaks on that, I won’t be disappointed, but so far I haven’t seen her do that.

The truth is, people expect women to promote skinny eating, workouts, and skincare. Even other women are outraged by Anjitha and her ilk. They want to see someone more glam than themselves, and they want her to hide her snacking the way most women have to. They need acknowledgment that our homes are seen as an extension of our bodies, so no mess is tolerable. The fact that she cheerily rejects all that is the best part of following her. The interesting thing is, she’s not coming across as repulsive at all. So the policing isn’t about her straying out of the norms of daily casual living.

I wonder, though, if the meanness gets to her. These commenters probably don’t even think they’re being mean. It’s just part of what happens if you put things online, shrug. While I would want her to be wholly unaffected, that can’t be the reality, and making money this way has got to be draining.

What has this got to do with me, you might ask? Well, I am a woman who has a blog, and even though my reach is a lot smaller, I can vouch for how much it takes to keep writing when it’s about something that directly affects my life, and stirs up big feelings in people, and they sometimes reach out to tell me how I should do things instead of how I already do them.

The thing is, I see myself more as a writer than as some expert on autism. I write about parenting autistic people, and the way societal attitudes towards disability affect us, but the act of writing is what motivates me. That’s my real reason for having this website. So if something I say makes you feel riled up, it might help to consider that writing is what I do, and perhaps, instead of telling me that I should not have hurt your feelings, you might consider that I provoked a set of emotions in you with some deliberation, and that it might make you a safer disability ally if you were willing to reflect on those emotions which I have intentionally stirred up in you, though I cannot predict or control how they interact with your own past trauma.

Finally, I think we as Desi people need to let go of the idea that someone has to be perfect and heroic in order for us to bow down and follow everything they say. If I say something angrily rather than with moderation and restraint, you can still respect the ideas I am bringing to the page and into your mind. You can also not like me in that moment while still considering what I write. We are so afraid of and repulsed by any behavior that comes across as over the top. No wonder when someone autistic becomes upset, bystanders cannot just let them get through it.

That’s just the start of being trustworthy in our lives. Thanks for reading, as always.

Radha.